Caleb Loves His Mommy!!

Thank you all for your prayers and encouraging comments over the past two days. While we are still four days into a lifetime journey, we definitely turned the corner yesterday. It was like a little switch just clicked for Caleb at the breakfast table. Mer was feeding him, and suddenly everything was OK. While he still seems to reach for Dad, esp when he is upset, he is comfortable and content, and even giggly happy with Mom, too. What a relief. Please keep up those great prayers. Thank you.

Today we went to a local village. Above, you can see the kids and Mer standing in one. Did you know that they fertilize rice patties with "natural" - I mean "organic" - fertilizer? Oy Vey, did that place have a particular aroma. The people were sooooo friendly, though. We enjoyed our time there.
Then we were off to the world's largest Ferris Wheel. If you look in the bottom right corner of this picture above, you will see people. It gives you a slight perspective of it's size. After seeing the worlds largest public square (Tiananmen) we would be foolish to not also see the worlds largest Ferris Wheel. It moves very slowly, and takes about 1/2 an hour to go around. Very cool. Below, you will see evidence of Caleb's contentment with Mom. Considering I took the picture, and he is not crying, this is incredible progress from yesterday. The blue tint is not from your aging eyes, but from the blue tint to the glass in the Gondola.
Below, is a great picture Abbie took of the Ferris Wheel from afar. As you can tell, it was foggy, so the view wasn't all that great, but it was still great fun.
However, the wheel wasn't nearly as much fun as the fun park surrounding it. Some parts of human nature are universal: the desire to have fun being one of them. The kids had a blast here. Lots of climbing, jumping, swinging, shooting, etc.
On a final note, this whole attachment experience has given me some great faith lesson. In my reading the other morning I was in Joshua's farewell address. He basically says, he is going to die soon, and the people have some choices to make about what kind of lives they will live and whether or not they will seek to know God. He says, "But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." Throughout the entire discourse, the question is always about our love for God, never visa versa. God's love is a given. The choice to love really lies in the hands of the people.

Our love for Caleb is a given. Try as we might to make him love us, we cannot. We can only love him into loving us. It takes time, but is a choice he has got to make. We are showing him that love through everything we do for him. The hard part is the patient waiting. But isn't that true with many of our adventures in parenting? We show our children our love, and anxiously await their response? In what ways is God telling you, "I love you" today?

Play Day and Bonding

Drum roll please...... not one bit of paperwork to be accomplished today. Instead we just played. We are now waiting for the completion of Caleb's passport. So, we will spend the next few days in Nanchang bonding and learning cultural stuff.

In this first picture, we are waiting in the hotel lobby for our travel group to assemble. There is one of these little fish ponds in every corner of the lobby. The kids love them, and if we ever loose them in China, this is where we will find them.



Our primary cultural activity for the day was a historical art community that was founded by some dude who used to be an emperor (I think). It seems he wasn't a very good one, and so his dynasty was overthrown, and he ended up in Nanchang, where the new dynasty built this very simple (in style) but large compound for him to reflect and work on his art. It seems he did a lot of both. This is one of the many inner courtyards, and one of the three opportunities in which Collin and Kathryn (more on her latter) stopped moving long enough for light to actually reflect off of them and allow for this photo opportunity. They look happy.

In addition to this one pic, they also posed for this group shot. This is our "travel group." They are another family from our agency who is also here to adopt. It is their second Chinese adoption.
The couple is Speed and Ann (in red). Their first adopted daughter, Kathryn, is in front of Speed. She is 5 years old and the perfect playmate for Collin. She taught him how to download games from one Nintendo DS to another. Our son is now more technologically advanced than both of his parents. The woman in blue is Jill, a close family friend, who came with Speed and Ann to help in the transition. They have just adopted LuLu, also in pink and in front of Ann. She is 11 years old and a real gem. While at the garden/art compound Mer took this great pic of Caleb. I just had to post it.








This last shot captures the end of our day. After our dining adventure last night, I was all for just going to McDonalds for some comfort food. After lunch, we spotted these two boys who couldn't keep their eyes off of us. I finally convinced them to let us take their picture. Overall, Caleb has had a rather mixed day. His happiness and contentment is directly related to his proximity to daddy. The closer the better. Mom, is a whole different story. As a whole, he isn't too thrilled to be around her right now. Problem is, I'm not really sure how to make sense of any of it. I've read enough about bonding and attachment to know that several things could be going on.
1) Caleb is still "shopping" for someone to bond with. Will tomorrow morning make this clear for us? Maybe he'll be more receptive to Mom tomorrow.
2) Caleb has bonded with me and it will take time for him to bond with Mom; a week, a month, something in between, something much longer? From what I've read it is not uncommon for children at this age to bond with Dad first, as they most likely did not have a very active father role where they were. Mom has a tougher battle in that she has some competition from Foster Mom who still holds a near and dear place in her heart. Do we foster this established connection with me, or really encourage the one with Mom now?
3) Caleb is grieving. It's the third day and a common time for this. However, I've not read much about 15 month old grieving. It doesn't make sense to me that it is possible at that cognitive and developmental level.
4) Caleb is teething like crazy, and just totally loco. I'm not sure how this plays into his connection to dad and aversion to mom, but had to put it in the mix as a possible factor.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. (If you'd rather email your advice than post it I completely understand. Please send any info to revtomharris@gmail.com . )

Prayers would be even more coveted.

A final thought, if you are putting together your "what should I bring to China" list, place Orajel on your list. I didn't see it on any lists I looked at, it is not avail in China, well worth the minimal space and weight it takes in your suitcase, and we sure wish we had some.

The Scoop on Caleb

First, here is Caleb’s internet debut

P’i / I,oooo [[[[[[[[[[[[

I’m not too sure what it means, but he is was pretty stoked to give it a try.

Second, here are the answers to some questions about he little guy.

Favorite Toy: Right now, his favorite toy seems to be Daddy. We are hoping that he soon includes Mom on his Top 10 list. In terms of inanimate objects, he is most enamored with rattles.

Clothes: he is wearing 18-24 month sizes. The clothes he was received in are hard to describe, but I’ll give it a shot: 4 layers. From outside in, it went like this: Heavy puffy jacket on top, then a knit layer top and bottom, sweater layer top and bottom, then diaper (thankfully). While we are still layering him, lets just say we’ve modified the technique a bit.

English words: Mommy and Dada are top of the list. We are trying not to use Mama as he cries when he hears the word as he probably expects his foster mother to round the bend a moment. It’s a tough go here.

Has he eaten any American foods yet? I’m proud to say that he had is first McDonalds fries today. To say he loved them is an understatement. Other than that it is tough to tell what he is eating is purely American. What is the difference between an American or Chinese fried egg, Mandarin Orange, etc. When it comes to noodles, he is all Chinese.

What does he calls us? Right now I don’t notice him calling us anything. While he may be saying something, I can’t distinguish Chinese baby talk from American infant babble. I like to think that when he says “de” he is trying to say Dada, I just don’t know. Let’s say he is, though. What do you think?

Where will he sleep when we get home? Two nights and he has slept in two places. First night he slept between us in the bed. We read that is where he slept with his foster mother. We also read that he liked a 12:30 AM snack. Since he didn’t wake for the snack the first night, we realized that there is some room for interpretation in his “instructions.” So, the second night he was in the crib right next to the bed. Sooooo much better – at least it was for us. He didn’t seem to mind at all. We are hoping to continue this trend.

Weight and height. He certainly seems to weigh the 26 pounds, and while he may not be three feet tall, he doesn’t seem too short, either. His docs say he is 76 cm tall, and I think that is about 31 inches tall.

For the remainder of our stay in Nanchang we will try to accomplish some more bonding - esp with Caleb and Mer. It just takes time, food, and a whole lot of love - none of which she has ever been short on. Tomorrow we go to a local village, the worlds largest Ferris Wheel, and I'm certain some sort of eating will be involved. A few more days of paperwork, and then we fly to Guangzhou for more paperwork and bonding.

Well, Mer has gone with one of the other adoptive mothers for a brief “retreat.” Since I now have kid duty with three, I’m off to try to reclaim my status as SuperDad.

Talk to you all later.

What a Difference A Day Makes

Day 2 with Caleb began with a little boy sweetly cooing to himself in Chinese. When he finally opened his eyes he wasn’t too sure what to do with us. However, he warmed up quickly, especially at the breakfast table where we were able to give him Mandarin Oranges which are his favorite. This little guy can eat, and eat and eat. Check out this smile!!!

We then loaded into our bus for some official paperwork. We went back to the CCA for and “interview” which consisted of the following questions. “Can I see your passport? What is your name? What is your occupation? Where do you live? How long have you been married? How many children do you have? What is your annual income? Why do you want to adopt this child? Are you happy with him? What are your plans to educate him? Do you promise not to neglect or abandon him?” The waiting area was packed, as you can see in one of the pics. Lots of Americans, but we also talked to some folks from a huge Canadian group. I am so glad we got there before them. I also learned from Lisa, our guide, that Spain recently surpassed the US in Chinese adoptions. Not that it is a contest, or anything, but comparing populations between Spain and the US, it is interesting.

From there we went to a regional office for some notary work. No notaries in your office or bank like we have in the US. It sure made me appreciate Ginny back at FPC for all of her notary stamps and sigs during this process. Thanks Ginny. Same questions were asked and we were off. Then we went to another office for passport photos, and we were done with everything before lunch. He is now officially ours.

The second highlight of the day was some father-son time with Collin. At lunch I told him we would sneak away from the “girls and baby” for some Dad time. Our mission was to find ice cream and Cheeto’s. We succeeded and had a blast. Several blocks up from the hotel is a walking area with no traffic. It was perfect for letting him run, climb, jump, roll, and all those other things that 5 year old boys do to burn off energy. If only they had a tire swing. After ice cream we stumbled into a grocery store and discovered the mother load of Cheetos – 5 different varieties. We bought one of each, and you would have thought we bought him all the tea in China. It was awesome. Collin was like a little celeb with all the girls waving at him and saying "Hallo." When he responded with "Ni Hao" they just about busted at the seems with glee. He was quite proud of himself - as was his dad.

Thanks for your comments and questions. I'll get to them soon, but children are stirring and breakfast awaits.

Answers to Some Questions

Thank you for so many great comments. I often get so wrapped up in reading them, I forget to actually answer them. Lisa, had asked a few great questions a few days ago, and it seemed like a nice thing to do to actually answer her questions. Since the comments are public (I think), this seems a fitting forum to answer.

The first question was, "How do you find your ability to shop and interact so far - meaning - have you felt limited in speaking with folks as a result of the language barrier?" There are certainly some barriers to communicating, but this has been a great lesson in being intentional, clear, creative, and patient. However, people have been very helpful. The merchants in the places where we have been know enough English to get their point across, and to understand yours. I have not yet ventured into the back alleys where only the local people buy only Chinese things that some crazy American wouldn't want.

Here is an example of how it has worked. When we were at the great wall, it was sprinkling and windy. Of course the kids left their rain parkas at home or at the hotel, so we had to buy some. Walking to the wall their are gobs of vendors. (While China is a communist country politically, it is a VERY clearly a capital driven country economically). I saw some of those plastic, disposable parkas and pointed. Through hand gestures I told the man I wanted one adult and two children's. He wrote 120 on a sheet of paper to tell me how much. I wrote 10 on a sheet of paper knowing 15 was my target (thanks to our great guide's advice). He said "No," scoffed at my offer, knocked on his head and used the back of his hand to check the temperature on my forehead (it seems that is the "loco" sign in China). We went back and forth until I smiled put it down and walked away. He ran after me saying "OK." All of that communication and only two words were said. Other interactions have been very pleasant. People smile and show you their camera when they want to take your picture, ordering from restaurants is done via pictures and fingers showing how many of something you want. Somehow it all works - especially with a smile. You can really say a lot without words.

The next question was, "How have you found the Chinese to be in interacting with them, i.e.,-friendly, etc.?" They are very friendly. Like all cultures you will find a few crumudgins here and there. But for the most part, people are very eager to help and interact with us.

Here's an example. One evening I took the subway to get us some dinner. Returning home, I got off at the right stop, but went out the wrong exit. It was raining and I wanted to be sure to come out on the right corner of the intersection. Anyhow, as stood there looking at the map, a very nice Chinese lady asked in pretty good English if she could help me. When I told here where I was going, she realized I needed to go back through the gate - which meant paying again. She went and explained my situation to the security officer, who waved me through and sent me on my way. New Yorkers are pretty helpful, but can you imagine trying getting a Transit worker to let you back through the gate?

It has been helpful to learn, though that there are some Chinese cultural differences that most Americans would just consider rude. When you recognize it as cultural difference, it is much easier to understand and to blend in (Yeah, like I can actually blend in in China). Americans form lines for everything. We are like ants to an ant hill. Chinese don't believe in lines. For all their belief in social harmony and order, lines are not part of that equation. I think its a Zen thing; but don't quote me. They are more like bees to a honey pot. Both systems work. You just need to know which one you are operating in. If you think you are waiting in line in China, you are not; you are just standing there. Just stick your hand or foot or body in and you will get what you want and be were you need to be.

All in all the Chinese are a very friendly and helpful group of people. We feel very safe - except when crossing the street - and are enjoying every moment.

And Hereeeeeeee's Caleb!!!

Well, my friends, what you’ve all been waiting for… actually, we’ve been waiting a good bit, as well. After a hurried morning to finish packing, eat breakfast, in order to catch our flight to Nanchang, we finally have Caleb. So, here is his world premier….

After arriving in Nanchang we were taken to our hotel where we unpacked, Mer and our guide, Lisa, ran to a local grocery to pick up some diapers, sippie cups, etc. We then met in the lobby, went to the CCA (Civil Affairs Office), and received Caleb. Let’s just say he was not a happy boy. We arrived and he was sound asleep. Not only should you never wake a sleeping baby, you should never awake a sleeping Chinese baby and surround him with a bunch of very strange looking white folks. He cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. Lisa, our guide, told us that he was very fond of and attached to his foster mother. Meredith and Abbie were the best at consoling him. He is still trying to figure me out. For the most part, he cries when he sees me. He’ll get over it… I hope.

In reading blogs of those who have been on this journey before, I can’t even begin to count the number of people who wrote of their particular bonding (or lack there of) experience. All of them expressed concern and bewilderment as to how they could not be welcomed with open arms by their new little bundle of joy. I never imagined being “the one.” If you are reading this now as a potential adopter, realize that your new child just might not think you are the greatest thing to come along since sliced bread. When it does happen to you, realize that it is not really about you at that moment, and that your time will come. It was helpful to remember that this takes time, and the poor little guy is scared beyond belief. Wouldn’t you be?

I tried explaining it to Collin like this. Collin’s only concern in coming to China was that he would get separated from us and then be lost in China. Every hotel that we stay in we give him a card with the hotel name, address, and phone number (in Chinese), so that he can show it to anyone and get back “home.” Well, Caleb really did get lost. He is lost in China. Collin understands why Caleb is crying, now. Simply put, it will take him time to reconstruct his world: who gives him love, what is safe and not safe, who meets his needs, etc. He has a lot to learn; don’t you think?

Upon returning to the hotel, we had a bit of what you might call a breakthrough. I gave Caleb a cracker/cookie thing. Apparently he likes them, and he likes to share them. Upon putting one in his hand, he immediately stuck his arm out and tried to stick the thing in my mouth. When in Rome, do as the Romans to, so I took a nibble - not too bad. He was then ready to eat, and eat, and eat. It was actually a very moving moment. He was done crying, looked happy, and so I took advantage of the opportunity to give him back to Mom before he started crying again. I want him to have happy memories of me. Not sad ones.

Considering my work done with child #3, I turned my attention to child #2 (Collin) and headed out to find some sustenance for my family. Baby crackers and borrowed snacks simply wouldn’t cut it for tonight. After perusing the hotel’s options, I returned with nothing more than word that room service was on the way with food for all. Fortunately, they delivered on their promise and we all ate well.

That’s all I know for now, and will post more as our adventure continues to unfold. Tomorrow, we are back to the CCA for more paperwork, and adventures in the life of Caleb. I have no idea what the day holds, but I know Who holds it and because of that it will be a great day.

Pictures I Couldn't Post Earlier